She Walked a Crooked Path

Today, I find myself again in a descent of sadness from a place in another Slice of Now, where I am a child who longs for the emotional presence of her mother. I am all ache and longing and struggling to keep myself home in my I AM. In my I AM, I am sovereign and eternal, and I don't need anything to fill me from the outside in. But today, it's hard to take those deep breaths that help me feel into that place. Today, I just want my mom. When I was a kid, my mother was always somewhere else, even when she was with me. She was 23 when she had me, her first born. Later, she would say she married my father and had kids because that's what she felt she was supposed to do. My mom was a good girl who was devoted to her parents and then married the organist she met at a roller rink when she was 19 and had a couple kids with him. It wasn't until the 1960s that women in the United States could have their own bank account, and not until 1974 that women were allowed to have a credi

In my last post, I made a statement that in my grieving, I felt like the bottom was going to fall out.  I have been doing energy healing for the past 2 1/2 years, and as much as I try to be present with what is and accept that there is a darkness that gives me wisdom when I sit with it, I also have a hard time sitting with it. It's a normal human reaction to retreat from danger signals, such as the feeling of falling into nothingness. When I am working in an energetic realm, there is no floor, no ceiling, no walls to contain it all. It is just my true self and the vastness of space.  I don't know how to explain the quantum realm or any of its theories. My friend Amy and I are having a turtle race to see who can read a book we found on the matter the slowest, because it's so hard to digest. Sometimes my energy healer Christine explains things to me and I kind of-sort of get it, but then when I try to tighten my grip on the knowledge, it slips through my fingers. She often ta