She Walked a Crooked Path

 Today, I am sitting in the same recliner that I sat in every day during the height of my active addiction. Today I am writing this blog. 2 1/2 years ago, I was praying to God to help me find a way out of the secretive box I had trapped myself in. I had been stoned every day for 8 months at that point. Some days I would wake up and say I wasn't going to use that day, hoping for the click I used to have in my brain that told me when I'd had enough and it was time to be fully conscious again. But that click hadn't come when it used to at a couple of weeks, or a month, or even a month and a half. I could not stop using, not even until noon of a single day. I knew I was in trouble. I have a post-it note on my computer monitor that says "There's probably a reason for that." The origin of the note comes from an old lady I used to sit next to when I first started my job reviewing medical coding denials for a government-funded health insurance company. Susan, who wore...

 My name is Julie. I am 51 years old, a first born, and a Leo. I spent the first 7 years of my life in a northern Illinois industrial town with my mom and my dad, and the next 11 years in a rural northeast Arkansas farming community with my grandparents. My brother and I suffered through some things growing up, and then suddenly, we were adults, fumbling our way through the world. I spent a long time in a sort of shock, trying to come to terms with my suspicions that something was wrong with things that happened when I was growing up. My sense of self and my sense of worth were damaged, and I did a lot of self-medicating over the decades to shove down feelings I thought I couldn't cope with any other way. I started going to therapy when I was 25 to try to make sense of my life. In the past 26 years, I have had 5 beloved therapists who have guided me through the process of figuring it out. The most impactful thing I have ever done for myself is to dedicate myself to my spiritua...