Surrender

Looking at the date stamp, I started trying to write this post a month ago. Going back to Illinois was a profound experience, and I learned some things. I learned that the only thing I can do for a friend who can't seem to get clean from drugs is to sit with her while she tries to want to get clean, and that I cannot control her outcome whatsoever. I am only here to show her that she is not alone. I learned that if I follow my instincts, beautiful blessings will find me, sometimes in the form of a young gay man with a sweet spirit who sits with me over a cup of coffee. I learned for the 40 millionth time that my Aunt Vickie is deeply wise and is my spirit guide on earth. I learned that weather events can show up as old friends to wish me adieu as I gather up all my selves and move forward with my life.

My beloved energy healer Christine once told me that as I went on the journey to heal myself, everything around me would begin to change. It makes sense that in my physical world, how I now behave is going to have an effect on my interactions with others, and cause me to make different decisions that put me in the path of other things to learn and people to know. I know that she meant something else though, and it's only been since Illinois that I understand what she meant. 

For a long time, I approached my healing journey with distrust. I had buffers all over the place mentally, that maybe the things I was experiencing in my sessions with Christine weren't real, but that if all I ever changed was my perspective, that was a positive effect of the work I was doing, and that was enough for me to keep going. Maybe all I was doing was giving myself a mental picture of a little girl who felt safer. Maybe all I was doing was giving myself the idea that I could stop people from hurting me. What a great trick that was. How clever.

Christine pointed out a few months ago that I doubt my experience as it is a lot, that doubt is an ongoing theme with me. Her statement made me pause. In my deep heart, I know that I am traveling between dimensions full of wisdom and guidance and beauty and darkness and light. I have had incredible visions and felt movement and shape shifting with my body while sitting still in a chair that defies rational, physical world explanation. All of my caveats and buffers are about other people, the external: what if people think I'm crazy? 

But I am not crazy, or at least, that's the least crazy thing about me in this life. I mean, for God's sake, I fake a southern drawl for my cat Simon and "he" will tell Rainy that her enchiladas taste just like his Aunt Maria's, or that he is going to go hike the Sierra mountains next weekend and then she'll be jealous that he's doing all the traveling while she has to stay home with Tyy Tyy. God bless my wife for humoring me, because--while anthropomorphizing my cat is certainly fun, that is Crazy. My experiences in a small, candlelit room with Christine, and afterwards, when what I have experienced integrates and changes my energetic system, are not crazy. 

All of that to say this: I know that my healing affects others, both in presence and in silent ways not dependent on physical contact or communication. I also know that "my healing affects others" doesn't always mean it's necessarily going to be a pleasant experience for someone else. We are all growing all the time, and as we all know, sometimes growth, even healing growth, is very painful. On one hand, to know that someone I love is suffering right now because I upset some kind of balance that affects them makes me want to take it all back. On the other hand, I don't wish for anyone to be stuck in oppressive darkness and I am grateful for the light that is breaking through for them. All I can do right now is pray for strength and guidance and the many miracles I have experienced to be conveyed--for God's beautiful alchemy to touch the lives that are in energetic connection with mine. If I can be of any service, I know that will be known to me when it is time. For now, I will repeat the willingness to be of service that Isaiah expressed long ago: Here I am. Send me.

I love you, Michael.