Quests

The other day, as my wife was sending me calendar invites for several races she is running next year, I was thinking about why it is that I would rather eat nails than commit to a schedule of regular exercise and better diet. I have all the requisite information to know that it would be good for me and my longevity, and stupid not to do it--and yet, here I am, not doing it, not planning to do it in any measured way. If you asked Rainy what her new year resolution was, she'd probably tell you something about wanting to be her best physical self. If you asked me the same question, I would tell you about wanting to learn more about my lost family and finally settling down to write the book I feel in my heart. Conversely, if you told me to take a run to the bottom of the hill, I'd find some way to wiggle out of having to do it, and if you asked Rainy to watch a documentary about the history of coal mining, she would do the same. 

I may have reached the million mark on how many times I've asked myself over the years why I can't be more like this person or that person. Add to that, why is this person so angry? Why doesn't that person love me? I spent years lamenting all of this. Even this week, when I was spending time with my God kids, I noticed how my older goddaughter had a sense of resignation that brought her calm when dealing with my needy and emotional younger godson. Why couldn't I have found that attitude with my little brother, all those years ago? 

Why are we the way we are? If we are--as I believe in my heart--individual manifestations of God, then we are constantly gazing at each other as mirrors of ourselves. So, that woman who flipped me off in traffic today is maybe the me who was born in Oak Ridge, the daughter of someone who made her living building atomic bombs. That man who had road rage in Arkansas a few years ago was the me who was in pain because of the cellulitis in my legs. If I say "I am my mother's daughter, but I am not my mother", is that even true? Maybe the genesis of our separation from God is our rejection of ourselves in this mirror. I have been thinking, what would Moses have seen if God had revealed His face between the rocks? Would he have seen a reflection of himself? 

It's all very heady and complicated, and the only conclusion I can make is that we humans were not built to be easy. I'm spending my whole life trying to figure it out. I might not be built to eat lots of vegetables or run marathons, but I am built to climb these emotional mountains and dig in the dark caves for the truth. I am proud of this and I honor this quest, and I try to forgive myself for the rest, because it simply doesn't belong to me. We were not built to be easy. 

I have a new feeling about that part of the Lord's Prayer now: "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." It is not just a good idea for peace. It is a key to the lock of the door that separates us from each other. It is our way home.